Learning to appreciate confusion

Like the title implies, these last couple of weeks were characterized for me by a lot of confusion and conflicting feelings. But while those things have a bad connotation, I’m learning that confusion is actually one of the most productive feelings. I came here to escape my comfort zone and learn more about the world and about myself, and that’s exactly what I’m doing. Keep reading to find out more ;)

I’m so sorry but this blog is going to start out with me thinking I’m a movie critic per usual. Sunday night I watched The Florida Project and LISTEN TO ME not only should it have been nominated for best picture but it should have WON best picture. It is so smart and moving and important and well done—everyone please please please watch. Hit me up if you need a link to it on an illegal website.

Also AMERICAN IDOL IS BACK!!!! If you know me you know that unlike every other person on earth I never stopped watching American Idol and I may or may not have cried at a few eliminations and had a few AI obsessions in my day. So needless to say I am happy about this revival. I like the judging panel! Never thought I’d see the day that I love Katy Perry but I kinda do! But I guess I shouldn’t be surprised because she was with John Mayer for awhile and he’s perfect so I guess anyone he’s with is gonna be good. You know Katy’s feud thing with Taylor Swift? Unpopular opinion but I really think Taylor is lowkey prob the psycho and in the wrong, not Katy. Surprise I actually run a celebrity gossip blog!

I FINALLY got my bagel, to be completely honest it was not anything exceptional—there was only cream cheese on one side, just 2 really thin tomato slices, and they didn’t even cut the bagel sandwich in half—but at this point I’m so desperate it satisfied my craving. We’re gonna keep trying places. On the hunt for the best bagel in Cape Town!

Yeah um so this week was very not exciting resulting in me not blogging at alllll until today (it’s Saturday now and last I typed was Tuesday). Like I really cannot remember anything significant besides me cooking a really good thing once. Here’s my recipe:

1.     Cut up mushrooms and yellow pepper

2.     Put in oiled frying pan

3.     Add a buttload of soy sauce and a splash of sesame oil

4.     YUM!!!!

Might just give up this whole college thing and become a professional chef idk.

In all seriousness though this week was pretty cognitively and emotionally exhausting because of something going on on campus. It was “Israeli Apartheid Week”, which is when a group puts on a huge information wall in the middle of campus and the goal is basically to bring light to why the Israeli Palestinian conflict and the way Israelis treat Palestinians should be considered apartheid. Obviously it’s something that very much hits home for South Africans because of their apartheid situation. I had a lot of difficult conversations and did a lot of difficult research and was forced to think about a lot of things that are hard to think about. I don’t really have the words or energy to talk about it here, but in the end all I could really do is come to the conclusion that there is no conclusion. Feeling conflicted and confused means that I’m learning and growing and yeah idk how to talk about this gracefully but if you want to talk more hit me up.

Last night we put on a nice Shabbat dinner in the common room. We all brought our food and lit candles to put on the table and had a long relaxed dinner doin what we do best and being goofy. We played some cards after and I forced everyone to play Tongues and was so confident about my skills but lost like 4 times in a row so that really backfired for me. And then we played prez and I talked a lot about how that game is a metaphor for the cycle of poverty and then we played BS. My favorite part about this night was how people kept coming in looking to pregame in the common room but then had to leave because we were taking up the room playing CARDS. Haha suck it cool people! Then we did a lot of campy mind games like black magic and green glass doors (if you know you know and if you don’t I’ll do it on you and make you super frustrated some day) and like everyone knew all of them except for Jen so we pissed her off a lot cuz she didn’t understand. But tbh I was so nice telling her how black magic works. I made my campers beg me to tell them for like a whole week.

Omg I forgot to talk about how I watched another amazing movie called Annihilation. It’s on Netflix and stars Natalie Portman and Gina Rodriguez and is mind blowing and everyone should watch it unless you really really hate movies that make you think and have to like do research after like WHAT DOES THE ENDING MEAN cuz then you’ll probably hate it.

Today we woke up and went to Hail Pizza for brunch and bottomless mimosas. Wow oh wow I love that place. And I love mimosas. And I love being drunk on mimosas. And then we came back and walked to a rugby game in a big stadium because CIEE got us tickets for it and yeah it was a lot more fun in theory than it was in practice. I think I hate watching sports games live except maybe baseball which I know is backwards from a lot of people’s opinions but sorry that’s just me!! No offense but I think Rugby is kinda a boring game like they literally just throw a ball and tackle each other and that’s it like nothing else. Like less interesting football. It was soooo hot and I forgot my sunglasses and I was not happy so Jen and I walked home and I took a big fat nap. After I watched Jane the Virgin. I heckin love that show.

Then we got dinner at this life-changing place called Kloof Street House. I had made a reservation there but once we got there I realized I made it for Sunday instead of Saturday because I literally cannot do anything right but thank god my friends didn’t have to kill me because they found a table for us. It was probably my best meal in Cape Town so far. Like really words don’t do it justice. Religious experience honestly.

We kept playing this game at dinner where you say a most likely to and then count down and everyone points at the person at the table they think are most likely to do the thing. I got voted a lot for a couple surprising ones like most likely to be on Ellen and most likely to be the mom of the group and Alicia voted me most likely to be a cat lady when I’m older but JOKE’S ON YOU Alicia because I am allergic to cats and therefore could never be a cat lady. Also there were big candle sticks in the middle of the table and everyone kept playing with the wax and by the end of the meal there was wax all over the table and wow I cannot take my friends ANYWHERE. That’s also what I say when Rachel loudly breaks out into Jewish song or prayer every time we’re in public.

On Sunday Rebecca, Jen, Alicia and I took the train to see the penguins at Boulder Beach. It’s just like a right of passage that everyone who comes to Cape Town has to do that once, and it was very cool! Definitely as unique of an experience as they come. We literally were just walking and laying on a beach with roaming penguins. I decided I think I’m obsessed with penguins. When they jump my heart jumps with them it is SO CUTE. I was laying down on my towel and suddenly this sassy af penguin came over and bit my arm like wtf!!! We named that penguin Freddie and let me tell you he was TROUBLE. He then went and started biting Alicia’s toes like every other penguin was scared of us and he was just like hello I am Freddie here I am and I’m here to terrorize you because I don’t give a hoot. Seriously what the heck Freddie???

Nicole and I went to a coffee shop in Seapoint to do work when we got back. Weekends are hard because we feel like we have to do everything in that free time, but also we have a butt load of work! And like at regular school I have to take the weekends to do work sometimes ya know? So whatever not the most exciting of times but it’s necessary. Also we have 2 very busy away-weekends coming up so it’s not like we have a shortage of weekend excitement. I got a macchiato at the place and it came out in the tiniest cup I have ever seen and I was like uhhhh I did not know this is what a macchiato is but I had too much pride to order another coffee so I just sadly drank it. Also a baby sat down RIGHT NEXT TO US and here’s a text exchange between me and Nicole from when it happened.

Unfortunately I suffered a very tough night due to the fact that I am stupid and drank 2 cups of coffee at 5pm when I had barely consumed water all day. I’ll spare you the details but hey at least it gave me something to write about for my health journal for my Medical anthro essay (:

Today I made some shakshuka that I had to do myself because Alicia won’t teach me even though I’ve asked her a million times cough cough cough and my shakshuka turned out pretty badly but I had to pretend it didn’t because I made soooo much of it. SAD!

Today was a super obnoxiously pretentious fun adventure! Alicia, Rachel, Rebecca and I went to high tea at a fancy af hotel called Belmont Mount Nelson Hotel. We dressed up in our teatime dresses and got dropped off at this baby pink gigantic hotel. Basically how this place works is you pay a flat amount for the whole experience and get unlimited tea, unlimited small sandwiches and savory fingerfood stuff (THAT INCLUDED LOX SANDWICHES), and unlimited dessert from their fancy dessert bar. If you know me you know this is my actual dream. Soooo we got like 6 teas and 2 full 3 tier trays of savory stuff and filled our plates full of desert and there’s literally no way we should have been there with all the fancy legit people like we were playing games at the table bc god forbid we be at a meal and not play a game but I LOVED IT AND HAD FUN SO I DON’T CARE THAT WE DIDN’T BELONG!!! And it was beautiful vibes like greenery everywhere and a huge fountain and after we were done we just sunbathed in chairs by the fountain pretending we were people who could afford to stay at that crazy pink hotel.

Then we went to the mall to get gear for this weekend which I’ll talk about after it happens and also I really tried to find a denim jacket but for some reason I can’t find one I like and this is totally gonna be one of those situations where I wait too long to get on the trend and then by the time I do it’s gonna be out and there’s gonna be a new trend. That happened with me and Vans a few years ago RIP my Vans I wore them like 4 times total :/

I have a new show that I am OBSESSED with. It’s called Queer Eye and it’s on Netflix and it’s a life makeover show where 5 gay men called the Fab Five help sloppy straight men get their lives together and if you don’t trust me that you need to watch it then it is your hecking loss!!!

So something I decided to do is community engagement through CIEE where I could choose a kind of service/engagement project to do twice a week and CIEE transports us there and back. I chose to do it at this place called Baphumelele (a mouthful I know) that’s a big orphanage for kids in a township called Khayelitsha. They want volunteers to help the kids with their homework so we got assigned different “clusters” aka like groups of 8 kids of the same age. So everyone was like oh just tell me where to go I don’t care what age I get and I was like uhhhhhhhhhh cuz I totally would’ve requested an age lol cuz im annoying like that so THEN I got assigned boys ages 12-14 which is like the ONE age I was like please let me not have that. But wait turns out I love them!!! Boys are so fun and chill. And brutally honest in a way that keeps me super humble. Today they didn’t have homework so they wanted to play soccer and I was like cool I’ll play with you! But then after 10 mins of playing one of them comes up to me and is like “we’re playing a game now you can sit down and watch”. Like damn ok tell me how you really feel. So then I moseyed on over to the 5 year old boys and hung with them for a little while and they were also sweet and fun and have no concept of personal space which is cute and also not cute.

In all seriousness though it’s really hard but enlightening to deal with the language barrier. They all speak isiXhosa with each other, and only the older ones can speak English. Even then, their English is pretty weak. So I’m trying to interact and bond with these kids but can barely communicate with them (the 5 year olds especially) and I guess I never realized how hard it is to bond without a common language. Like they kept holding up their drawings to show me and I just kept smiling and giving a thumbs up but couldn’t really have any personalized interactions because anything I’d say about their drawings they wouldn’t understand. It’s interesting realizing how Americans are so used to other people catering to them and their language and it never really crosses their mind that maybe they need to do the work to learn a different language instead of expecting people to just know English. So I think I’m going to print out a sheet with lots of Xhosa phrases and their translations so I can at least ask the kids their names and simple things like that. I’m not sure how I feel about it all yet but it’s definitely a welcome challenge. If you think about it, it actually has some similarities to the parts of Special Ed that I love, where you have to find creative ways to bond and communicate with people and it can really bring some special and rewarding moments when you do connect. Maybe that’s a stretch idk. I’m just doing a lot of thinking about it and contemplating how to make it a more meaningful experience for both parties as long as I’m there (while of course remembering that this is a functioning organization without me and I’m not coming in to fix anything).

I just had the most ridiculous interaction with Alicia like actually just got assaulted. I was just minding my own business washing my bowl and she comes over and says “come with me to the Indian place” which I’ll have you know is LITERALLY right outside our door and she needed COMPANY for it mmkay so I obvi was like no go yourself and she grabs me and starts physically carrying me to the door and I was screaming and she was screaming and I grabbed the wall and was hanging onto the wall while she was pulling my body and it was actually the most absurd thing that has ever happened what to heck Alicia??? And then thank goodness Jen walked in and was like what the heck is going on and Alicia immediately let go of me and was like “Jen come with me to the Indian place” and Jen said yes because Jen doesn’t say no.

My professor said something really interesting and thought provoking today when we were talking about hunger. She said we should all question why water is seen as a human right (we all have access to taps and unlimited water that the government provides) but food isn’t granted the same status. I don’t know why I’ve never thought about that before but it’s so true.

Just a little interlude on that note, every student whom I’ve talked to here has expressed that they’ve been grappling with a lot of troubling discoveries and awareness about their privilege. It’s been a really overwhelming yet important experience. Every day I come across new realizations about the inequality in this country and see new things that can’t be unseen—the entirely white population enjoying Old Biscuit Mill while black workers pick up their trash, the children begging on Long Street while people bar hop and walk right past them, the houses with barely functioning roofs in the townships just 20 minutes away from mansions on the beach in Camps Bay. Especially coming from a home university that’s about as homogeneous as they come, being here and confronting my privilege has been an experience that is hard to put into words. So I’m not going to try past this. But I’ll continue to process and think about it every day.

Ugh I know I’m being serious and negative and I promise it’ll only be for another sec but I am seriously having some #issues with UCT and their assignments/grading system. They are so vague in their directions for assignments but then grade soooo harshly and stingily. Like my tutor comes in to our class and goes “you are all doing very badly on your assignments and the professor is worried about you”. And then we all proceed to raise our hand and ask what the heck we can do better bc that is not productive to say without also saying a solution and he basically just kept telling us over and over again that we’re bad writers and I was like look the questions are so open ended and then you’re upset that we don’t write the specific things you want to see so maybe you should make the questions more specific. And he kinda just stared and nodded like okkk. I got a bad grade on a different assignment because I didn’t cite academic sources but nowhere in the assignment did they say that we needed to cite academic sources. And now I’m having stress dreams about failing classes. Thank god these grades don’t factor into my Tulane GPA but seriously what gives??? Jana Becker and Sarah Gerstel if you’re reading I don’t mean to freak you out but also I wish I was warned before I came so here’s your warning J or maybe I’m just dumb and you won’t have this problem idk.

OK NOW ON TO MORE FUN INTERESTING STUFF.

So the Jewish Flat minus Rebecca (missed u girl) went on an excursion this weekend to HIPPIE CAMP! And by that I mean a festival called Reforest Fest where the main point is to plant over 5,000 trees in one day but it’s also centered around eco and wellness and wonderfully weird crunchy granola stuff. It’s not something that many people from UCT or CIEE do, but Rachel Goldswag and her friends did it when they came so we did it too.

Boy was it quite the time. Notice that when I say “quite the time” you don’t know whether I mean it positively or negatively and that’s the point because I don’t really know either!! But I’ll walk you through it.

We rented a car to drive there (it’s like 2.5 hours away) and Alicia drove and did a great job go Alicia!! We named the car Jerry but fought about what to name it for like 20 mins because of course we did. He’s a 2006 BMW but looks and works like he’s from the eighties. We got realllll intimate in there let me tell you. Rachel hates getting intimate and she did a great job tolerating Liv sleeping on her shoulder on the way there. Also at some point we were playing a Fall Out Boy song that Jen put on the playlist because Jen loves her punk rock music and Rachel said “I hate this music it makes me feel like I’m wearing an uncomfortable turtleneck” and that’s why I love Rachel.

When we got there we started attempting to set up the 2 tents that we borrowed to camp in and realized how incomp we are it was pretty embarrassing. But we eventually succeeded EXCEPT we were supposed to have two 3 person tents and one of them I swear was not even big enough to be a one person tent. But Jen and I took one for the team and said we’d sleep in it and just snuggle but I think we both came to regret that decision when we realized the tent was literally too small to sit normally in.

We left the camping area and went to check out the main festival area and it was really beautiful! I’ll attach some pics later but like really they did a beautiful job decorating it. We got this meatless schnitzel burger thing and it was YUMMMMYYYY. Everything there was vegetarian which is so me bc #kosherlife so I was having lots of fun with that. Oh yeah then I got a pretty gross crepe and stole Alicia’s vegan brownie that she said was making her nauseous bc everything makes her nauseous or gives her heartburn.

The main thing that night was concerts on the main stage and I’m not gonna lie they were not the best bands I’ve ever seen. Very high school talent show esque plus people crazy dancing in front of the stage so my whole body was tense at that point. Rachel and I left to go check out the forest area and I paid (my own money don’t worry parents) for a tarot card reading and nothing she said resonated with me whatsoever and it was the biggest BS I’ve ever experienced and I don’t wanna talk about it.

This guy who was pretty good sometimes played his guitar and sang after that and it was fun for a little and then he started singing about vegan cheese and I think I blacked out after that.

Oh yeah so something important is this festival is super eco friendly and we had to bring our own utensils and plates to use and washed them in this communal washing station that was so unsanitary I also don’t wanna talk about that and we had these composting toilets that somehow smelled 10x worse than portopotties and I also don’t wanna talk about that. Jen and I literally choose to pee in the woods rather than going to those toilets. RIP.

We rose and shone at like 7 the next morning because we had a big day of TREE PLANTING. They hyped us up for it by putting us in teams like it was color war and provided bandanas and face paint and everything and I was on the blue team so I kept singing to my friends B is for the best team L is for the loudest team U is for the unity and E is for the energy but I don’t think anyone really loved that cheer. Anyway they also had us do these dances and hug strangers to get pumped and yeah basically what you’d expect from a tree planting festival. Then the blue team people taught us this song cheer that went “water for your mother, and water for your daughter. Water for your brother, and water for your father. Water for me! Water for you! Water is life! GO TEAM BLUE!” Too bad I didn’t know that cheer 3 years ago when maccabiah was tribal themed and blue team was water. Except I was on green so it probably wouldn’t have come in handy anyway.

So yeah the tree planting part itself like listen I know it’s doing so much good and I’m so proud of everyone for planting and glad I helped but it was really not pleasant for me. I just honestly feel like I did more harm than good like I kept messing stuff up and not making my dirt walls big enough or putting the plants in deep enough so it was like UGH I’M LITERALLY OUT HERE KILLING TREES so then Rachel and I decided to be mulchers instead and it was a good call. Cuz then all we had to do was get mulch on a tarp and bring it back to the planting area and yell “WHO NEEDS MULCH” and then give them mulch.

It started raining on our way back from the planting site and listen I was already COVERED in dirt head to toe and my shoes got so muddy and then I had to go into the tent that was also wet and I had a mini freak out because I hate wet and dirty things and didn’t know where to put my shoes and could barely fit in my own tent and I was being a little brat. But then I took a nice nap. After that I couldn’t even tell you what we did the whole night/afternoon. We saw a 1,000 year old tree which was wild, I chatted with some kiddos by a campfire, I ate a great personal pizza, Rachel and I saw a bizzaro show called Looneyverse in the “pop up theater”, we did group meditation and watched part of a fire show. I went to sleep really early cuz there’s only so long you can wander around and sit by campfires.

After breakfast today we did this wonderful thing called Laughter Yoga. It’s basically just an hour of laughing at nothing while doing breathing exercises and making weird faces and shaking our limbs. Truly one of the weirdest experiences of my life but I loved every minute of it up until the end when everyone kept laughing when we were supposed to be quiet and I was like ok chill it’s not a contest and I don’t have any more laughter in me. But then this young girl next to Alicia whispered to her mom “I farted” and turns out I did have more laughter in me.

And then I read my book some and that was my weekend! It was definitely very out of my comfort zone but I’m glad I went. It’s nice to get out of the study abroad bubble for a weekend and be in this totally new and positive environment. What I took out of it was that we can all be more environmentally conscious very easily, and that we shouldn’t take ourselves too seriously.

When I got home, I checked social media for the first time in 3 days and was so humbled and amazed to see how many of my friends and campers and acquaintances (and sister!) went to the March this weekend. Everyone who went, I am so proud to know you and have so much renewed faith in our country because of you. But, like I learned this weekend, as you do good and fight for what you believe in, don’t forget to laugh and celebrate your existence.

Xoxo, Hippie Hannah